The Recession -- How Bad Is It?

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.


I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"


CEO's are now playing miniature golf.


The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.


Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.


McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.


The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.


The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.


Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.


Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.


The Mafia is laying off judges.


The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

Stages of Life

(Where are You?)

MALE

DRINK
Age 17 Beer
Age 25 Beer
Age 35 Vodka
Age 48 Double Vodka
Age 66 Maalox

HOUSE PET
Age 17 Roaches
Age 25 Stoned-out college roommate
Age 35 Irish Setter
Age 48 Children from first marriage
Age 66 Barbi

SEDUCTION LINE
Age 17 My parents are away for the weekend!
Age 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend!
Age 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
Age 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
Age 66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
Age 17 Sex
Age 25 Sex
Age 35 Sex
Age 48 Sex
Age 66 Napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
Age 17 "Tongue"
Age 25 "Breakfast"
Age 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
Age 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
Age 66 "Got home alive."

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Age 17 25
Age 25 35
Age 35 48
Age 48 66
Age 66 17

FEMALE

DRINK
Age 17 Wine Coolers
Age 25 White Wine
Age 35 Red Wine
Age 48 Dom Perignon
Age 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
Age 17 Need to wash my hair
Age 25 Need to wash and condition my hair
Age 35 Need to color my hair
Age 48 Need to have Francois color my hair
Age 66 Need to have Francois color my wig

DRUG
Age 17 Shopping
Age 25 Shopping
Age 35 Shopping
Age 48 Shopping
Age 66 Shopping

FAVORITE SPORT
Age 17 Shopping
Age 25 Shopping
Age 35 Shopping
Age 48 Shopping
Age 66 Shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
Age 17 "Burger King"
Age 25 "Free meal"
Age 35 "A diamond"
Age 48 "A bigger diamond"
Age 66 "Home Alone"

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Age 17 17
Age 25 25
Age 35 35
Age 48 48
Age 66 66

HOUSE PET
Age 17 Muffy the cat
Age 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the cat
Age 35 Irish setter and Muffy the cat
Age 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the cat
Age 66 Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the cat

IDEAL DATE
Age 17 He offers to pay
Age 25 He pays
Age 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
Age 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
Age 66 He can chew breakfast

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The Punny Pages

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all league records were unfortunately lost, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned. 

The sign at the rehab center said "Keep Off The Grass".
Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A rather youthful Billy Joel was fascinated when he entered the Green Room at the Tonight Show and saw a group of matronly nuns hastily applying hair color to the noggin of the show's next guest, Neil Young, whose agent offered an explanation from the corner of the room: "Only the good dye Young." 

It's a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom.

What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few." 

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?", the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."

When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.

Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

A backwards poet writes inverse. 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

Da-Bump-Bump!

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The Duck Hunter

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One pair hardly used dentures, only two teeth missing.

American Flag, 60 stars.  Pole included.  $100.

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Wedding Dress.  Worn once by mistake.  Call Stephanie.

15” diameter, 3-speed fan.  It will oscillate if you walk in a circle around it.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.  Excellent condition.  No longer needed.  Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

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SERVICES

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